FUCK. YOU.

Love,

The Q

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,

and all the patients were shouting, ‘13….13….13.’

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in

the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on…..

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting ‘14….14….14′…

It was bad enough when all the social media “experts” started to invade.  But then, the marketing people showed up.  And now?  The worst has happened.  Celebrities have decided to take Twitter and turn it into their own, personal high school cafeteria.  Fuck this shit.  Is it not enough that we are forced to live with the celebrity culture everywhere else?  I can’t even go to the goddamn grocery store without airbrushed collagenized surgically enhanced famous people staring at me from the magazine racks while I self-consciously place my Chex Mix on the conveyor belt.

I believe that Twitter is at its best when you find people–real people–who are hilarious, talented, witty, successful and cool; people you may have never had the chance to meet in person–and you actually BECOME FRIENDS with them.  EUREKA!

I believe I am an excellent example of my own passion for Populist Twittering.  Therefore, I will present you with TEN REASONS why you should follow ME on Twitter.  And if you agree–please leave a comment with YOUR Twitter ID.

1.  I follow everyone who follows me.

That’s right.  I’m no snob.  If you want to be my friend, I’ll be your friend.  Because I’m on Twitter to meet people, not dispense my pearls of fucking wisdom and receive adulation.

2.  I RT.

I’m not just following you to get more followers, or to try to get my numbers higher.  I read all my Tweets and I will RT anything that is funny, interesting, or educational.  This also means that if you see me RT something, you can count on it to be worth reading or clicking.

3.  I’m NOT famous.

Nope.  I’m an average person.  I’m on Twitter because I enjoy people, and I love the application.  There’s no public relations agenda.  I’m not looking for a new way to get you to watch my show, read my book, vote for me, or buy my shit.

4.  I Say What I Really Think.

Because I’m not famous, I don’t have to worry about damaging my reputation or losing profitability when I speak my mind.  That means you get the real deal.  And yes, it is often absurd.  Even foolish.  But whatthefuckever, man.  I’m free!

5.  I Invented #toiletweet.

‘Nuff Said.

6.  I Promote My Followers.

If you are a cool person and you have a great business, I have no problem telling everyone (online and off) about you and your company.  I keep track of who on Twitter does what for a living and will pass their website/email along to others when the opportunity presents itself.

7.  You Never Know What I’m Going to Say.

I might be funny.  I might be pissed.  I might be Tweeting about the episode of Top Chef I’m watching.  But you’ll never know until you tune in.

8.  I’m Nice.

No, seriously.  I might cuss and spit and swear; and I might have a sarcastic attitude.  But the reality is that I’m a really nice person and I’ll go to the ends of the earth for the people I really care about.  And that includes people I interact with on a daily basis on Twitter.

9.  My #followfriday Picks are Reliably Good.

I recommend people on Friday if they are good Tweeters.  My #followfriday picks are people that consistenly tweet interesting, amusing, and useful stuff.

10.  Because I AM Twitter.  And so are you.

Do you think you deserve to be followed on Twitter even though you’re not a celebrity or CEO?  Do you love Twitter and use it faithfully?  If so, follow me and my partner in crime:

@ImTheQ

@mojowriting

Also, please Tweet and RT this blog post with the hashtag: #wethetweeps

1.  You can buy laser guns at Target.

2.  Cats can read the minds of humans.

3.  Eating spaghetti makes you a better dancer.

4.  New York is a State of Mind.

5.  All mothers have their childrens’ best interests at heart.

6.  In the future we will all wear shiny metallic silver clothing and big boots.

7.  The Chupacabra has it’s own very popular blog.

8.  Eventually people will stop typing things like “u” “plz” and “thx”

9.  Elvis is alive and well in Barbados.

10.  Marketing will soon cease to become a viable profession and products and services will be bought and sold based entirely on their true value.

11.  I live in beach front property.

12.  Kosher hotdogs with Sauerkraut and Spicy Deli Mustard make you smarter.

13.  Pantsuits are illegal.

14.  Love is all you need.

15.  My ass is firm.

16.  President Obama plays air guitar in the oval office when no one is looking.

17.  The Meek Shall Inherit the Earth.

18.  Jessica Simpson has retired.

19.  My bailout check is here!

20.  Neil Diamond will play at my next birthday party.

Photo Credit:  Space Trucker

In the beginning our guide told us to imagine walking on a path in the
woods "anywhere", so I imagined walking through a thicket of trees that
lead down to the beach. In Northern California there are often forest
areas that do this and I've been on these trails before. There's always
this anticipation when you're walking along that any second you'll see
the ocean.

Anyway, the next thing she said was, "Now imagine you're in a valley"
and I was all, "Oh fuck. My path is at the ocean. There's no valley
here." I debated whether or not I should go back and start over, but I
decided I'd keep going because honestly, this is where I wanted to be.

But I knew I made the right choice because the next thing she said was,
"Now imagine a castle." And well, duh. Instant sand castle!  My sand castle was beautiful, but made of sand. Not sparkling or
shining or multi-colored. It looked like a very beautiful, well made
sand sculpture.

However, when I got there the inside was immaculate and made with rich,
albeit simple materials. The floor was covered with blue and white
marble squares. I went into a huge room which circular and open on all
sides to a balcony that went around, too. The room was basically
encircled with these arches that led out to the balcony in a big
circle. Outside I saw the ocean…a deep blue ocean, not a tropical
blue one.

The waves were pure white capped, and I saw a pure white dolphin there.
I remember thinking it was odd to see a single dolphin by itself
because I thought they went around in family groups. It seemed to know
I was watching and jumped through the waves. I went back in and there
was a highly polished mahogany table in the center of the room. Not a
large table. On the table was a small abalone dish. And on the dish was
my crystal.

Afterward I was thinking that maybe that is my safe place to keep the
crystal when I need to access THIS place from there. That is, I use my
crystal now to get to my castle when I need to…but I guess there's a
need for the me of the castle to come here to this place, too.

As I was leaving the sun started to set and I noticed that all the
arches in this great room had small crystals hanging in them and it
made prisms all over the room. Then I went out of the doors and down a
large staircase, out the castle. 

I looked at the crystal I held in my fingers and knew that I would always be able to return to my sand castle for refuge, peace, and inspiration.

Annnnnd…here they are!  Pictures of the weekend retreat with my hippie friends. 

I work hard.  In fact, as I type this blog post it is almost 1:00 am.  I've been working for the past six hours, taking advantage of the time my kids are in bed to focus on my job and current projects.  Most of my days are like this.  It's just par for the course when you're a freelancer and entrepreneur.

But even a self-proclaimed workaholic needs to take time off once in a while.  And that is exactly what I'm planning to do this weekend.

For the past seven years–since before the birth of my twins–I've been actively engaged in online message board communities.  I've met some fascinating people on the internet (not the least of which is my best friend Melia Lore). We've shared ups and downs—everything from births to deaths to job losses to job successes.  We know the intimate details of each other's sex lives, finances, addictions and fears. 

While I have had the pleasure of meeting Lore several times in person, there are many other close friends that I have never met in person; women who I have come to know and love through only virtually until now.  Women who I admire and who's company I enjoy–even though I never even hear their voices. 

And this weekend I get to meet them.

I'm going to Dallas on Friday where I'll meet "Pristine", another twin mom who is actually my soul sister.  "Manyfeathers", the den mother and entrepreneur who inspires us all with her successful application of The Law of Attraction.  "Kozmique", the most talented person I've ever had the pleasure of meeting–online or off.  "bellacola", the smart, sassy PhD who I admire both for her education and her hip-factor.

We're going to cook, eat, sing, belly dance, perform Reiki on eachother, give eachother manicures and pedicures, have a bonfire, make beaded jewelry, and share meditations.  We're going to bond in person and consummate our friendship with real-life interaction.  We're going to have a wonderful fucking time.  I simply cannot wait.

I waited anxiously for the mall doors to open so I could go and get my hair hacked off. I prefer spending 3x what I have to spend at SuperCuts for the same haircut. Really, my hair, it doesn’t change. I shouldn’t care. Hell, maybe I should just cut it myself.

Anyway, so I get inside Penney’s and was greeted by not one, not four but by 10 or 12 different employees. Evidently, the morning crew has had just enough caffeine to make their day worth living. I never see such enthusiasm from the afternoon or night crew and I have to admit, I was a little creeped out. It was like “Night of the Living Dead” only bright and sunshiny.

I make it through Penney’s to Regis, where I get my semi-annual haircut, only to find they were not open yet. Bastards. I had an hour to accomplish this feat of hairtasticness and I was slightly miffed that the stylists at Regis weren’t psychically aware of my needs. I turned around, thinking to myself, “wow, I always giggle at people who make U-turns at the mall” because I’m constantly shopping in circling, swooping vulture style. During my wait for the mall doors to unlock, it had occurred to me that Penney’s had a salon. Really, it was my initial delight at the sign that said “Hours: M-F 9am – 9pm,” that caused me to be one of those people who try to fling open the mall door with a “I AM HERE!” flourish only to find that the door was still locked. The sign actually was about the salon hours, hence my epiphany about Penney’s having a salon.

I rush back to the escalator, greeted by three more cracked-out Penney’s employees on my way. I just stopped looking anywhere but at my feet or directly ahead of me, because its like they can smell my fear at this point, and I was beyond casual employee socialization. I just wanted a freaking haircut in time to get half of my kids out of preschool so we could get groceries before I fell down and died from Plague.

Finally, I delightedly made it to the Penney’s salon and practically begged the receptionist for a walk-in cut. She had to make some calls for me, and promise a child or something, but, she had my back and within five minutes, I was in the chair with Tina, my hair savior.

My hair, you see, is the least of my concerns. I don’t have to have it styled, I’m a “wash and go” kind of girl. I’m still trying to grow it out long enough to be considered for Meryl Streep’s part in Mamma Mia II, so, again, my hair isn’t a huge deal. I do need some overalls, though. Tina asked me what I wanted and I really just shrugged and said I didn’t care, just cut it.

During the cut, I learned that Tina’s daughter has thinning hair because she diets too much. This was because I, too, have thinning hair at the top of my head, and since Tina’s daughter diets too much, I needed to eat more protein. For the past year or so, I’ve only asked a zillion people why my hair is falling out/breaking at the front. No one knows, but they really try to suggest a bunch of different conditioners. Having recently had a full physical, I mentally assured Tina that my diet was fine. The haircut continued. Long layers, etc. She even managed to praise my choice of haircolor, which, at this point, is a lovely shade of “half-inch roots and caramel,” the natural color my hair always fades to when I dye it, regardless of the bright red or garnet shade I prefer, but if Tina likes it, then it was all good.

One more note about my hair: its very strange to have one’s hair parted on a foreign side. For the 30 minutes that I felt amazing after the haircut, I noticed that I was walking around, slightly tilting my head, trying to reconcile the new weight distribution upon my head. It was awkward, and I’m surprised that I didn’t fall over.

My girls decided they were puppies.

I used my reading time to work on a website that may have sucked the last few intelligent thoughts from my head. It was like filing, only worse because my ass fell asleep.

I get to go grocery shopping.

But, fear not, because I have a song of the day that I am dedicating to a lost love. Ricky, this is for you!

Of a BlackBerry Curve!  Right here baby…

Gosh I just feel so high tech!  It has GPS!  It takes pictures!  I have a Gin and Juice ring tone!  I can use it to TWITTER, for crissake! 

Will my laptop grow jealous of her?  Possibly.  I may need to keep them separated. 

My greatest inspiration comes from the 10 minutes I get in the shower. I solve world problems, figure out dinner, and have remarkable personal ephipanies while shampooing my hair. Its amazing.

A few months ago, I got out of the shower and saw Merlin the Magician staring back at me in the mirror. He’s back, let me just put it that way, so in honor of Mr. M, I am giving you the BG Card of the Day!

Goddess of Fire (King of Swords) – There is an amazing power within  you, a fire that produces the most creative ideas you’ve ever had. Open yourself up to its light, become one with the flame.

Be. A. Flamer.

Do you know what its like to be driving through mountains when you’re terrified of heights? Yeah, that sucks. Its kind of like plummeting to your death in an even more painful manner, because you know that you’re stupid for even putting yourself up on that mountain to begin with, yet you have no choice but to move forward or risk being thrown from the mountain by the people behind you.

Oh, and the “Falling Rocks” signs. Yeah, let’s just add avalanche paranoia to one’s driving experience. That’s fun.

So, tweak my nipple and call me Nelly! I’m all galavanted out and ready to get busy gettin’ busy!

Yeah.

Well, really, who wouldn’t be? They have imported beer and a VIP section.

Today, I was at the dollar store.  I was standing in line, spacing out as I listened to the ancient rock n’ roll music piped in through the ceiling, when a particularly catchy Elvis Presley song came on.  Suddenly, I had the urge to not only sing along, but dance.  And I don’t just mean bopping my head up and down whileI stood in one place.  I wanted to let my feet fly as I howled along to the King…

But I didn’t.  And now I feel guilty.  I should have just let it go.  I should have lived in that moment.  Who cares what a couple of Dollar Store employees think of me anyway?

Technorati Profile

Its official. I’ve decided that when I had that dream about aliens at around age 7, that I was really experiencing a homecoming.

This could explain why I am so attracted to foil and the flashy lights that appear from my fingers when I get anxious.

Just go with it. All of you.

We’ve upgraded. Database sex, fast and hard. Awwww yeah.

considered your toaster could be a tracking device?

Realized that you have planned your one month of vacation to completely overextend yourself?

Man.

I got up at 3am this morning because I was amped up on Claritin-D.  After a very long, unproductive day, I am ready to just pass the fuck out.  But I can’t.  Because Top Chef is on.

So while I wait, stoned on Benadryl and exhausted from lack of sleep, I am going to share ten random things with you.  Ready?  Mmmkay.

Numero Uno.

I am wearing a red and yellow batik kaftan which is so ugly, I cannot believe I even own it.

#2.

I am drinking Ginger Ale.

3.

Both my kids made the honor roll.

Four.

I wish I had a Dyson vacuum.

El Fivo.

I can’t think of anything sadder than losing a child to death.  I feel so bad for John Travolta and Kelly Preston.

SIX!!!!!

I <3 Jon Stewart.

7.

I have a bag of M&M’s calling my name.  Peanut.

Ocho.

One of my favorite books of all time is One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish

Niner.

I am really gassy, damn it.

((((NUMBER TEN))))

These M&M’s are kickin’.